Category: Humor

When your fortune cookie creeps you out

I’m getting ready for a weekend trip and, after dropping the Dog Who Ate a Lightbulb off at his favorite kennel for some very expensive playtime, I decided to stop in at my favorite Chinese restaurant to graze through their lunch buffet.

I have warm memories of this place. I used to work near it and one of my co-workers, a Jewish man, loved to gather a group of us together once a week to go to the buffet.

“Lunch?” he’d ask. “Chinese? It’s the food of my people.” (That always makes me smile, for some reason.)

I dined solo today, but I timed my lunch so that they would just be bringing out the first round of food. Fresh at this point, not soggy from having sat out too long. (I am not a fool when it comes to Chinese food, I know when to arrive at the buffet.)

And it was good!

They brought my check on a little tray with a fortune cookie, as usual. I dropped it in my purse, as I was in a bit of a rush.

I just read the fortune and it says:

“Tomorrow Morning, Take a left turn as soon as you leave home.”

Now, what the heck does that mean? I live on a one-way street and I’m not backed into the driveway at the moment, so I have to back out and go RIGHT in order to leave the house. Unless, of course, they meant to turn left when I got to the end of my street instead of my driveway. Could that be what they meant? If it is, I’m good, because I’m going to take a left at the end of my street tomorrow morning.

But if they meant I need to immediately take a left, then do I have to back into my driveway tonight in order to execute a good-luck left turn immediately? This is really more than I want to think about. I just need to get to the airport by 7am tomorrow.

So now I’ll probably be up all night trying to decide what to do. (Or I’ll just go to sleep as I usually do and get up at 5:00 in the morning and go to the shuttle parking lot.)

However, if you’ve read this far, I would like to thank you by giving you the lucky numbers printed on my fortune. They are: 38, 44, 41, 23, 28, and 33.

Knock yourself out.

Just what, exactly, am I paying for?

I love lazy Saturdays: a cup of coffee, the morning newspaper, my loyal dog by my side.

This morning was a tad off script: a leaking toilet and, alas, a backed-up kitchen sink. Not to worry, though. I go to my paid subscription to a referral service! (I won’t mention any names, but the namesake is a woman with very bad taste in clothes.)

They have a recommended plumber with an “A” rating!

There are eight reviews and three of them are very bad: two Fs and a C rating. I remember my grade school math and do the calculation. If A=5 and F=0, it averages out to a 3.6, which is hardly an A.

I go to the Comments page to leave a question that challenges their math and discover that on that page, the plumber has a “B” rating. Apparently, they’ve rounded up!

For $140, I think I’ll pass.

The great top sheet controversy.

Crystal Palace Paisley 300 Thread Count Cotton Sheet Set
Photo credit: Overstock.com (and I just may order these sheets)

Oh,  my. This disagreement has been lingering for almost 40 years.

My friend says that when you make a bed, the top sheet should be pattern-side up. I say it’s the opposite.

You lay it face down so that (1) the occupant is resting in a full-pattern atmosphere and (2) when you lay a blanket on top of the sheet, you can fold it back as far as you want and the pattern is still exposed.

What say you?

Quilts! (Part 2)

The numbers are not in yet, but the Ohio Mennonite Relief Sale is over for 2016. Quilts are just part of the sale, but the main draw for most of us.

Everything is donated, even the food. All proceeds go directly to the world-wide charities.

The quilt auction tally was over $70,000 by the time I left. Given all the other activities, the final amount should be impressive. These sales are held across the US and raise millions of dollars for charity. 

One of my favorite events each summer.

Quilts!

There is something magical about a quilt. Scraps of fabric engineered into a design, a pattern with a history. And meaning.

And when that craft is turned into love, magic happens. Quilts are a product of necessity, turned into art.

I am headed to the Ohio Mennonite Relief Sale, held the first Saturday in August each year. Quilters and auctioneers come together to create and auction these quilts. This is one of 45 auctions in the US, with the proceeds going to the Mennonite Central Committee, which provides support to people in need.

Beautiful quilts, great food, and a worthy cause.

Photos to follow!